Is This Your Situation?
Hello Parents and Interested Parties!
With the publishing of my book, Failure to Launch: How to Get Your Teens and Young Adults to Independence and in the talks I have given, one question always comes up. I got started in this coaching business almost three years ago when a young man, Justin, was left with me for a weekend by his aunt who then refused to take him back into her home. Only a year out of high school, Justin had no driver’s license, was new to the area, had only a part time job, and no real plan on how to get on his feet. Within six months of that weekend, I saw to it that he had the life skills he needed, a driver’s license, full time job, and a place to live on his own. Over time he has even gone to college a bit, moved up in his job to management, and was building a strong social network. He even lost a substantial amount of weight and learned to eat healthy. A true success story. But this isn’t a fairy tale and life never is. People who hear the story want to know where Justin is now. Until recently I was able to recount the facts I just wrote but then along came the economy and a few life lessons.
At age 24, he was pretty proud of all he had accomplished and with good reason. He was making more in the summer of 2008 than most college grads would see for a few a years if that. He got a bit cocky which we see quite often with young adults tasting the first moments of success in the adult world. Truth be told, we’ve all been there in our “youth”. He clashed with his superior and as the economic world started into a serious nose dive, his job was eliminated in cut backs and cockiness was replaced with shock. The life lesson of work politics hit home. Having been used to getting jobs easily since he was a teenager, he was stunned to apply over and over without success. It didn’t help that being new in management, he was easily overlooked for candidates with more experience as more and more people lost jobs. To go back to entry level jobs was difficult as he was almost over qualified. He was in limbo.
I always tell my parent clients and seminar attendees, where we fail as parents with this group of young adults is the coaching and mentoring. Parents have traditionally used connections and encouragement or tough love to move their young adults into the work world. Justin got a bit discouraged and then his aunt who had abandoned him at my house came to his rescue. I never doubted that they loved each other and were close. But as she started giving him money, I noticed a shift in his job hunting. It was fast disappearing. I would give him names and contacts or leads only to have them sit without action. Finally just before the winter holiday, his aunt told him he had to take something even part time. He returned to his old retail store and got hired on for seasonal work. If the economy turned around after Christmas, then they’d start him back into full time. He is lucky that his part time position remains.
Life was good. Part time work, his aunt filled in the rest of basic income, lots of time to socialize, go to the gym, this was a middle class kid’s dream. Yes, he had become one of the moochers. I encouraged training or certification since he was only working part time and had some support. I even found some programs that looked good but it is hard to fit all of that into a busy life with friends. I’m not paying the bills so I have no leverage. He is passing fast into the red zone of becoming a dependent adult.
What can his aunt do? She can demand he take a second job. Those checks should be tied to some work on his part. Essentially, if you are supporting a young person they are working for you. There needs to be some work product and accountability. She has encouraged him to look into job training but he says he is looking and that’s the end of it. He should be on a weekly pay check from her in exchange for proof of his efforts. The work product should be proof of research, proof of job applications, and if she gets really good at structuring this, she could even have a job interview successfully done merits a bonus. There is a tendency to leave the job search to the young people and overwhelmed, lazy, or inept, they frequently aren’t coming up to anything close to productive. I continue to e-mail opportunities to him. They go unread. Proof to me that he is becoming dependent. I will not be able to help him should she cease her support. I have clients dealing with older adult children even into their 40’s and once they near 30, you only have one option in dealing with them. You can enable them to be dependent or not. In short, no more help without work product of effort on their part.
If you have young people at home, you have to demand work product from them. Support them by helping with contacts or research if you can but support needs to be tethered to effort from them. Do not let the economy be an excuse. Yes, it is harder but not impossible and is good for building job seeking skills and being creative. Job training is available and should be considered because when the economy rebounds, you want to be in good shape with job skills. Don’t rule out entrepreneurial opportunities such as direct selling opportunities, dog walking, child care, and the like. This is an opportunity to learn to be creative and smart about finding opportunities. Good luck and I’ll be back in about two weeks!
