Grown Children Moving Back Home?
It has been a difficult year economically for employment opportunities. It was already bad before with over a third of 18-34 yr. olds living at home with parents but the trend has increased with adult children who were already well launched becoming more of the boomerang generation. Several issues come up with this group and with the group of adult children who never moved out to independence. Most commonly, I’m asked how to motivate them and how to help them find jobs.
It is assumed quite often that once teens reach adulthood, they will move out on their own and become independent. Everyone has stories of themselves, other children of theirs, relatives, neighbors, and friends, who were self motivating. Many in the Baby Boom generation tell me that they couldn’t leave home fast enough. From what I’ve seen, self-motivation is not that common. Most people and young adults need inspiration and hand holding. The young adult brain doesn’t stop growing until the age of about 25 and MRI scans show that the brain function of a young adult is more like a child’s than like an adult. Do not rely on schools to provide inspiration or direction. Neither high school nor college is set up to do that. It has to come from you.
If you have any adult children at home whether they moved back in or never left, your first step is to have “the conversation”. We often wait for our children to figure it out. They are waiting to be asked to leave. “The conversation” is a frank, calm talk about what is the plan for getting into their own place. Ideally, it should include when rent will begin if the adult child is not paying it at home. It is fine to give them a grace period but rent either in money or work/chores at home is necessary for their own good. It teaches them to start thinking in those terms. It also helps with the added burden of expenses for utilities, food, and miscellaneous. It is all about the mind set that they are adults and need to contribute, be responsible, be respectful, and be motivated to have a place of their own.
Motivation doesn’t come naturally to most and assuming responsibility doesn’t either. As a parent, you are their coach. You need to talk to them about expectations and help them be accountable. As one father noted in one of my seminars, it is a bit contradictory that to get them to independence, you have to do some hand holding. It is true. That is why parenting at this stage much more resembles coaching.
Having “the conversation” is part of the motivation that might be lacking. It sends a clear message that your adult child needs to assume adult responsibility. For the returning adults who have been on their own, it helps them recover from depression or fear to know that things must move forward. When parents ask me for time lines, I say it is good to have them but realize that they are often hard to stick to as life has its own time line. Moving the ball forward is the real test of getting to independence. Some flexibility is desired which is why it is important to have check in on a regular basis. At those times, go over what has been done, what might be done, and create an action list for both of you. You can help with talking to contacts or doing research. Help look for jobs and people who might have connections. Try to find opportunities to work for free for a while or in a lesser positon if need be. This should be a joint project and the focus is not the ideal situation but one that moves the ball forward if only for a bit.
The hardest part for parents is realizing that they have to take an active role to help their boomerang adult children or never launched children to acquiring independence. It can be done. Next time, let’s talk about preparing them to job hunt. There are lots of areas they need to address and don’t know how to do.
In the meantime, what are some of the connections or job resources that you have sent your adult children to for jobs or training? Leave a comment and we’ll start a resource list.
